During the pandemic lockdown, the satirical newspaper, The Onion, ran this headline: “Mom Completely Understands That Coming To Thanksgiving is Risky And That You Don’t Love Her Anymore.” 

We know the sting of parental judgment. It’s inevitable. As parents, we guide and shape our children to align with the values and habits most important to us. When our children aren’t in alignment with those, we tense up and they feel that tension — whether we express it in words, through audible sighs, sideways glances, mildly biting comments, or just the slight tensing of our muscles.

Children can read their parents’ “tells” of judgment better than anyone else. 

There come moments and stages in parenting when it is essential that — even for a single conversation – we learn how to get quiet – really quiet – so that we can listen powerfully. When we do so, we can witness and love completely who our child is. 

For a moment, we must drop all of the ways we want them to be different. That list of possibilities is endless: we want them to be more or less social, creative, coordinated, daring, bookish, sensitive, orderly, spontaneous, fit, studious, athletic, musical, intellectual, humorous, thin, etc., etc. 

When we learn to accept, we offer a priceless gift. After all, our children yearn for our love and elated acceptance. Can we give them this? Even just a single sincere moment can last a lifetime.  

Lessons from Steinbeck

To know my father better after he died, I read one of his favorite novels last summer – John Steinbeck’s East of Eden. One of the central characters, Adam, is in conversation with his teenage son, Cal, who’s just returned home from getting in trouble. 

Adam says to his son, “My father made a mold and forced me into it. I was a bad casting but I couldn’t be remelted. Nobody can be remelted. And so I remained a bad casting.” Adam goes on to say that his father, “didn’t allow me to be a person, and I haven’t seen my sons as people.” Adam then asks Cal, “Maybe you can tell me what kind of a boy you are – can you?” And Cal does.

What was the impact of this conversation on his son? “Adam’s recognition brought a ferment of happiness to Cal. He walked on the balls of his feet. He smiled more often than he frowned and the secret darkness was seldom on him.”

Practical Tips Towards Acceptance


Navigating the fine line between guiding your children and accepting them for who they are can be challenging. Here are some actionable tips, backed by child development experts, to help parents foster an environment of acceptance and understanding:

  • Practice Active Listening: Dedicate time to listen to your children without interruption or judgment. See yourself as a journalist, listening carefully and reflecting back to your child what you hear. This act alone can significantly boost their sense of inner worth and dignity. In her book, Dr. Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting, emphasizes the importance of this active listening in building our children’s emotional intelligence and deepening your connection with your child.
  • Celebrate Their Individuality: Encourage your children to explore their interests, even if they’re different from your own. Dr. Shefali Tsabary, in her book The Conscious Parent, discusses how recognizing and valuing your child’s uniqueness empowers their sense of self-worth.
  • Offer Love not Predicated on Status and Achievement: Show your children that your love for them does not depend on achieving accolades. According to Dr. Daniel J. Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, authors of The Whole-Brain Child, offering such unconditional love helps develop a child’s brain toward empathy, happiness, and resilience.
  • Hold Space for Mistakes: Decouple shame from mistakes, and encourage your children to celebrate mistakes as a way to learn and become more effective. This approach, as highlighted by Dr. Carol Dweck in her work on Mindset, encourages a growth mindset, teaching kids that effort and learning from errors are essential on the journey to success.
  • Communicate Openly About Feelings: Foster an environment where emotions can be openly discussed. Dr. John Gottman’s concept of “Emotion Coaching,” as detailed in Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, guides parents on how to educate children about understanding and regulating their emotions.
  • Model Acceptance: Children learn by example. Show acceptance towards others and yourself. Dr. Brené Brown, known for her research on vulnerability and shame, advises parents to model the behavior they wish to see in their children, including showing self-compassion and respect for diversity as well as eschewing gossiping about others
The Gifts Within Acceptance

What does the gift of acceptance give our children? Two gifts really: the balm of that universal yearning for love and delighted acceptance from their parents, and confidence in their core. By witnessing clearly our children and delighting in their natures, it tells them that fundamentally, the kids are alright. 

In an era when anxiety and depression in youth, even elementary-aged children, are at all-time highs, feeling fundamentally alright in their own skin and being has weighty, substantive, resilience-giving value for our children. 

Of course, for most of the rest of the time, we will guide, push and set expectations, and insist on behaviors and values. That’s our parenting job and let’s not abdicate it during our time to raise our children. However, if there is anything good the global pandemic forced us to do, it is to remember what matters. What really matters. 

Ensuring our children know in their core that they are seen clearly and loved and accepted powerfully, joyfully, fully, by their parents. Few things matter more.